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Motives and Motivations

I've been mulling about this entry for a while.

I started writing an online journal back on Diaryland. My first username was "gamergal" and I'd long ago deleted all the entries. But the important part was, at least in the beginning, I wasn't writing as an exercise in memory or a log of my intimate feelings or anything else so high and mighty.

I started journalling because of a guy.

His name was Logan and I had literally been fascinated by him from the day that I met him. And I'm sure he wouldn't even remember it, but we met before college even began. During one of the weekends leading up to starting our first year at Marietta, he and I had been sitting in the same room with our parents (I was there with my mom, he was with his father) talking about the honors program with one of our future professors. I thought his name was Luke for some reason, and I spent the next few hours running that name over in my head and wondering if he and I would end up being friends.

We were. Kinda. Shortly after the school year started, I discovered that he and some other folks were into gaming, and we all started hanging out a lot. I started dating Tom, and he was always with Leda (I can't for the life of me remember her real name) and that was that. I compared him to Brandon Lee from The Crow and basically just kept my admiration to myself.

And something weird happened after we came back from Christmas break. We started hanging out a lot. Seriously, all the time. And we were both in a play together, something Shakespearean that I can't remember off the top of my head. And in the span of about a week or two I was totally ready to break up with Tom for him. But after a horribly botched one-night-stand sort of thing it was clear that Leda was going to kill me if I didn't make myself scarce. And so I did.

And then he started dating Stephanie (funny coincidence, this is a girl who also dated Sean Wedig in high school after getting turned down by Nick) and it was clear they were pretty serious. And she never really liked me much. I wasn't clear on why. But it meant that I saw even less of Logan.

And they both had journals on Diaryland.

So this is the point where I said, hey, I'll make a diary too. And maybe if they see who I am in the cyber world, they'll like me in the real world too, and I can have Logan back at least as a friend and go back to hanging out a lot and just admiring him silently instead of creepily watching him eat lunch halfway across the dining hall.

It didn't really work. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not very interesting online. Nor am I particularly patient. And in the meantime Ryan found the journal (Tom was ancient history) and started a long spiral of distrust that would eventually lead to our inevitable breakup. So it was soon common knowledge that I was writing gamergal, and no one was particularly moved to be more (or less) of my friend.

So where am I going with this? I guess A) I have a history of trying to be manipulative via journal entries that goes back to their very core and B) sometimes I come up with really dumb ideas.

But it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Because I've thought about posting things here and then stopped and questioned my intentions. And every time I've had to stop and say to myself "saying these things will only cause drama" or "this isn't what you really mean so you shouldn't post it" or something similar.

Completely unrelated to anything else, I shaved my legs this evening (after not bothering for approximately the last two months). I feel touchable.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
maneman
Mar. 21st, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)
You know, I also started a journal because of someone else. I was dating someone who had a deadjournal at the time, and I ended up getting a livejournal and she too did the livejournal thing right around the same time. She used her journal as a weapon in order to be as passive-aggressive as possible and write about a person in a way that used no names but still made it obvious to everyone who knew precisely about whom she was writing.

I think we all have written things in journals that we've regretted. I did one of those meme things on my journal that was supposed to be like "say 10 things anonymously to people you always wanted to say to their faces", and one of the entries ended up costing me any chance at a future friendship with that person. It doesn't matter that the things I said were true, she just flipped out on me when I tried to reach out to her at some other point. I knew that sort of thing might happen when I wrote it, but I did it anyway as I had been angry with her for some time. Ah well, you know?

On the subject of leg shaving and feeling touchable, I just started grinning and wished I was nearby to test this hypothesis. lol

I hope to see you again some time soon. :)
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