It's Sickening How Comforting the Privacy of the Mind Can Be

Someone want to get me out of this funk I've been in all day? I can't seem to get the fake smile to turn into a real smile. Pasta primavera is not helping, and it should because it is quite delicious. :(

Anyone? I feel like I've just fucked today up hardcore. Blah.

For the record, the new dentist is awesome. I can't imagine why these things have been so difficult in the past.

1. I've always hated the novocaine shot because it hurts like a mother. But Dr. Gigliotti put a topical anesthetic on the inside of my cheek before injecting the novocaine, and so I only barely felt some pressure. It wasn't bad at all!

2. He also pointed out to me that my back molars are out of line. It's something I need to be conscious of when I'm brushing my teeth, because otherwise I'm not cleaning them completely. And that's probably why they are full of cavities. No one ever mentioned this before.

3. During the entire cleaning and drilling processes, he explained each tool before it went into my mouth. He showed me what was being done and explained exactly what was going on in my mouth. The filling popped out because the tooth underneath was decaying - and another filling is getting loose for the same problem.

4. He gave me plenty of breaks during the process, and was constantly aware of my discomfort levels.

Wow, what a difference from the indifferent pokings of my last dentist! In fact, I have a second appointment this Wednesday to fix the loose filling and another small cavity, and I'm not even a bit worried about it! I can't even properly express my relief in words...

At the dentist right now and I'm fucking terrified. So much that I'm shaking. There's a reason that I haven't seen a dentist in over 10 years.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay, that's it. I need to stop dreaming.

Really. I need to stop eating before bed, I need to stop hitting the snooze button. I need to be twice as dilligent with the meds. Anything that stops my dreams.

They are seriously driving me completely insane.

For the most part I enjoy dreaming. I tend to have very vivid and memorable dreams, averaging about two per night that I can remember for at least 15 minutes after I've awoken. Sometimes longer. Sometimes bits of the dream linger with me for the entire day, sometimes even longer. I've had dreams span over multiple periods of consciousness - either continued after being awoken in the middle of the night or even from one night to the next.

I've usually been rather pleased with this. They've helped me sort through my thoughts and point out issues I'd been otherwise ignoring in my real life. And they're just plain interesting.

But lately more often than not my dreams have been troubling me. Not because of anything disturbing happening in the dream. No nightmares. Nothing of the sort.

Because at least half of them are centered around one person from my distant past... Ryan.

He's not someone I think about in my waking hours, or at least not until my subconscious drags him back to the front of my mind. We didn't part on good terms. I broke off our engagement to date Thomas - and I have long considered dating Thomas one of the absolute worst choices of my entire life. I haven't stayed in any sort of contact with Ryan. I'm vaguely aware from the last time I tried Googling him that he lives out in Philadelphia and seems to be doing well for himself. The last time I talked to him was before Nick had even moved in with me in Pittsburgh. It was a weird conversation and I think he was pretty drunk. And that was it.

I'm not even sure I can describe why these dreams bother me so much, but they do. Perhaps because they are very vivid almost to the point where they start to feel like the real world. Usually I can recognize that I'm in a dream. But nearly all of my dreams lately (even those not feature Mr. Coleman) blur the line with reality. I've done mundane things - gone to work, changed diapers, picked veggies from the garden - and they all felt perfectly real. So much so, in fact, that I've been confused recently about what has really happened versus what I have merely dreamed.

It needs to stop because it's majorly messing with my waking mindset.

Suggestions?

I feel obligated for some reason to write in my Livejournal, and yet I really don't have anything to say that the people who care don't already know.

We went to the zoo yesterday. It was a perfect day, and both girls were extremely engaged as well as being amazingly well-behaved.

I've been working furiously on a blank scrapbook for my new niece Evelyn. Hopefully it should be done by the end of the week, because that's when I plan on handing it over to Sean and Sara. I really hope they like it.

Between work, sleep, and being a mother, there's not a whole lot of extra time in my life anymore. Keeps me from being bored, but it also doesn't transcribe well to journals. There's very little drama in my life. The few things that do spring up (like my disappointment at not getting to chow down on sushi tonight) don't really seem worthy of even mentioning.

Which, in my humble opinion, is a very good state of being.

There are two times I really clean - when we're having company that's sleeping over, and when we're moving furniture. So yesterday was practically a double dose of cleaning.

My office is now in the basement. I was amazed that when Nick put my computer back together everything worked just fine without any trouble. Normally, any time I end up moving the modem, something goes wrong and the internet just refuses to work or the computer has trouble finding the info it needs or we find out that a jack doesn't work or something. So now I'm just waiting to find out what is wrong with this plan. It just went too smoothly.

The girls are in the bigger bedroom now, and it's amazing - all their furniture fits in one room! Before, we had Sophie's dresser in my closet and the changing table in the living room. But the bigger room has space enough for the crib, bed, both dressers, the changing table, a bookcase, and lots of toys... and there's still enough floor space that they can actually play in there!

The urgency of moving everything was precipitated by the immenent arrival of Cheyenne. For those of you unaware, Ross's girlfriend is going to be staying with us temporarily until she can find a job and an apartment. In the meantime, Ross will be continuing to work in Ohio. Then once she's all settled he's finally moving back to Pittsburgh. For good? I certainly hope so!!

So we now have the small bedroom set up with a bed, desk, nightstand, and an empty closet. It's nothing fancy, but it means that Cheyenne will be able to have a space of her own without me needing to barge in at 6 AM every morning to go to work. It's an all-around much better use of the space available, and I'm just glad we were able to finally make it happen.

And none of it would have been possible without the assistance of my lovely sister and her charming boyfriend. I owe her one! (Actually, probably more like five or ten at this point, but who's counting?)

ETA: The swap has also made my "commute" about ten times longer. Heck, now it even involves two flights of stairs!

Sophia walks like a pro now. She's all over the place, and getting into everything. Also getting better at communicating what she wants - she knows if she hands me an empty sippy cup I'll fill it up for her, if she brings me a pack of crackers I'll open them up, if she stands in front of the fridge and wails I'll start offering other food, etc. And she's got a vocabulary of about 20 words that she says reliably, plus another 20-30 that she'll parrot back clearly enough to be obvious.

(For the record, her first word was DOG-DOG and her second was BALL.)

Madeline continues to be a joy and a pain in the neck. She's got a wonderful imagination. We're constantly playing some sort of pretend something-or-another - she especially likes to be a baby bird and snuggle in my "nest" or pretend that she's the mommy and I'm the baby, things like that. Now if only she'd start consistantly using the potty... I'm getting very tired of cleaning puddles off the floor. But it makes me glad we have the laminate rather than carpet.

Cheyenne is moving to Pittsburgh this Friday, and I'm psyched because it finally means that Ross will be following soon after. Cross your fingers for both of them that they have no problems finding jobs and a nice apartment here!

Yeah, that's about it. My life is pretty boring. And involves lots of time at the park.

So here's another meme thing, since I seem to have trouble writing real entries anymore. I will give you a list of five words that remind me of you, and then you explain them a bit in your own entry. This is my list courtesy of tiger_spot.

Gaming: I define myself as a "gamer." I like playing games. I like winning. I enjoy puzzles and figuring out strategy. And I like creating the collaborative stories that come about as a result of role-playing. Not too fond of losing, but as long as everyone plays fairly I'll accept my loss graciously.

Social: In high school, I defined myself as anti-social. I often avoided things (like joining clubs) because I felt awkward dealing with other people. And then I got a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin, and I realized that I thrive on human interaction. I hate being alone. I still get easily intimidated by strangers, though.

Kids: Maddie and Sophie are two of my three favorite people in the world. It wasn't until I had them that I realized I do like kids in general. Now I have much more patience for unruly children, because my first assumption is now that it's the parents' fault. Really, most kids are awesome if you treat them with just a bit of respect and don't mind repeating yourself.

Werewolf: What can I say? People are delicious. And I used to be pretty good at lying without betraying myself in the slightest. Although I'm not as good a liar as I used to be, I'm significantly better at reading people. Every time I hear "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock, I'm disappointed that it's not "Werewolves of London." Every damn time.

Relationships: I'm not sure what to write for this one, since I'm not entirely sure what Theresa meant. I am married, monogamous, and therefore functionally asexual to anyone other than my husband. I've been in polyamorous relationships that didn't work out because of other reasons (as a female, trying to date gay males or primarily straight females does not work) but never for very long or with any level of stability. My closest friends know who they are and why I love them so much. My family is made up of as many blood relatives as it is people I've chosen to be family. And that's the way I like it.

I'm home. Mostly recovered. Taken time to process thoughts. So here goes...

Games that I played while at Origins:

• Are You a Werewolf?: a perennial favorite, made better this year by the fact that I've gotten better at reading strangers and learning who to trust, also helped by the location (not packed like sardines, plenty of chairs and space, an actual official event finally)


• Ganakagok: one of only two tabletop RPGs I played this year and a surprisingly amazing system, when this one gets published I'll be first in line for a copy and will be running it without a doubt - like Polaris only so much better in every way


• WARHAMSTER: the other RPG, throwback to old school dungeon crawls while truly emphasizing the sandbox nature of gaming wrapped with the irreverence that 9th Level seems to manage so well - good fun all around


• Zendo: I lack the Buddha nature - played in the tournament but had a pretty poor showing, should have done much better.


• Morton's List: not so much a game as something to do while bored, maybe not worth playing at a con except that it probably benefits from the con atmosphere, probably something I will seek out and play in the future with local open-minded friends


• Are You the Traitor?: as hoped, this new offering from Looney Labs is excellent, solves all the problems I've ever had with trying to play Are You a Werewolf and still maintains that basic essence of trying to figure out who among our friends is a pathalogical liar, Nick and I agreed that this was one purchase we couldn't leave the con without


• Mega-Paranoia: (no fancy link for this one) I really wish I hadn't missed the first ten minutes of rules explanation and also that I had been just a bit conscious, as this game had the potential to be lots of fun but I just failed to get my mind in the right state. Next year?


• Trailer Park Wars!: no way I would have given this one a second thought except Bobbi Sue and Turline (aka Lauren and Brittney) were handling the demos, they both had played Werewolf with us and seemed like quality types, gave it a try and was pleasantly surprised, if I had more spending cash and a thumbs-up from Nick I probably would have bought a copy (for the LOLs if nothing else!)


• Sixis: a fun little dice game


• Win, Lose, Banana! (and at least one variation thereof)

More details to follow, but I'm worried if I don't get something up soon I'm going to forget it all...

So excited for Origins my stomach is doing flip-flops. Especially excited because it'll be 5 days without kids. Forever in debt to Heather, Tait, Daddy, and Kat for agreeing to watch the small ones. So much left to do before we go. Leaving tomorrow morning!!

For those who aren't aware, Nick is turning 30 in two weeks. To celebrate, I am throwing him a LARP. The party will be on Sunday the 14th in the early afternoon*, and I need an accurate count before then of who will be there. Invitations via postal mail are going out tomorrow morning (as well as PDF copies of said invitation via email) but I'm still bound to miss someone. So if you think there's a chance you can make it and you're reading this, please drop a comment on here so I can make sure to get the info to you ASAP.

And if you know of someone that would want to be invited that I'm likely to forget, mention that as well in your comment. Thanks!

*Nope, I lied. It's going to have to be the following Sunday, the 20th. I, unfortunately, already have other plans for the 14th that I forgot about.

I got this piece of spam the other day. It amazes me that anyone would fall for this sort of thing, or think that a bank official would use a gmail account rather than something through their bank. And why in the world would the government just hand out over a half a million dollars, but only tell me about it via email? The government doesn't send money via Western Union, either. They send checks. Who falls for this nonsense?

( This is long and probably boring to anyone other than me. I like reading the moronic scams... )

Everyone in my household is sick. Sophie has an ear infection. Madeline and I have sinus infections. I suspect Nick also has a sinus infection, although he hasn't gone to see a doctor yet. The girls and I are all on antibiotics. They've been great troopers through this, considering they must be feeling pretty miserable. But after going to the doctor yesterday and also each time she takes her medicine, Madeline declares "Mommy, I feel all better now!" It's very cute.

So whoever's been cursing my family with bad mojo as far as health goes, please stop it! Whatever I did to you, I'm sure we must be even by now. Right? :)

We did manage to go to the zoo, though, on Friday despite all being under the weather. Both girls loved the aquarium, and Maddie was thoroughly appreciative of the rest of the animals as well.

From May 2009

And because Sophia's big sister is just as adorable, I have to share a picture of Madeline I took yesterday after she and I planted a few flowers along the house:

From May 2009

One year and one day ago, my second daughter was ripped kicking and wailing from the comfort of my womb. It's an odd thing to think about when you think of it that way.

And since then Sophia has managed to bring a lot of joy and excitement to my life. She's got a smile that just lights up her whole face, and the sweetest little personality. It always amazes me how many differences there are between the girls. And it's fascinating comparing developmentally where Sophie is now with Madeline at the same age.

I wasn't sure when I first got pregnant with her if it was a good thing or not. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

From May 2009

Hooray for sun, for the beginnings of summer, and for the soon-to-be-actualized dream of actually having a garden!

I'd be a lot happier if it weren't for the fact that I've been feeling crappy since Easter. First I caught a cold from my Tait-mommy, then it was the f'ing never ending period ( details are waaaay TMI )...and now I've just felt wiped out... and then yesterday I woke up with a sore throat again, and it's a brand new cold all over again. I blame this one on the weather, though, and I'm hoping to kick it out of my system a lot quicker.

But I've been working on digging up a nice plot of land in the back to do a very non-ambitious garden this year (just tomatoes and green beans). If it works out, next year I want to go a little more crazy, get some herbs and a few more veggies, maybe expand the garden plot a bit more. Since we moved here I keep wanting to improve the outer shell of the house. And now that the inside is nearly finished, it's time to start focusing more energy outwards. :)

The guy I just got off the phone with told me that he knew the last agent he spoke with was black "because she had an attitude problem." And then he demanded a manager. And the funny thing is that I'm pretty sure the manager that I got on the phone is also black...

Someone spray painted the word FUCK in red letters on the trunk of my car. They also spray painted my license plate red.

I feel like crying.

How could people be so awful?

ETA: I didn't notice until I went to cover over the red with newspaper, they also sprayed down the passenger side of the car "FAG EAT DICK" in blue. Ugh.

It's going to cost about $180 to have the body shop people go over it with a few chemicals to clean off the paint, and then touch up the finish so it still has a shine to it... It would be covered under insurance, but since my deductible is $250 and they think they can get everything off fine without needing to repaint, I'll just be paying the whole thing out of pocket.

So, I have now polished off all of Girl Genius (well, everything that was written to date, obviously). I've read all of The Order of the Stick. And I've read an online copy of Twilight. Next on my slate, the sequels to Twilight - New Moon and Eclipse. After that, I'll probably read through XKCD per recommendations by Ross and Josh.

What next?

Hmmmm, I feel better. My life is an open book. Honesty is the best policy. And so on.

I miss the days when I could lie and not feel bad about doing so. Except it got trickier and trickier to manage. I don't think that I can win at Are You a Werewolf anymore, either. At least, not as the wolf.

But seeing a whole page of truth in black and white laid bare is extremely liberating.

And painful.

I don't think I'll do it again.

I don't plan on having anything else in my life that needs to be hidden, either. Hooray for growing up!

By the way, if you have any additional comments to make on that last entry, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Tomorrow night it's reverting to a private entry. The people who needed to see it have had plenty of time to do so.